drawing down to do or die here on the lealife front.  my dreams have gone spastic and are definitely not following the “dreams are not real” guidelines they should stick to.  i wake up all confused and thinking i’ve lived through a few more rough patches.

so much of the last four months has been a hibernation for me. counting down weeks to an indeterminate deadline. esperando con alevosia for a man to tell me he’s on his way.

silver linings-the hawk self and the owl self have certainly been born from me and my reflections. as always watching me waiting. watching me hold, and hold, and hold and occasionally break and self-consciously lose my cool.

not that i’ve ever been cool to begin with. you know.

had a guy inform me i was acting unstable a while back. this gave me pause and also made me laugh. felt like one flew over the cuckoo’s nest. i certainly have my moments, but i prefer to see them as a calculated release valve. we all know how bad things can really get, and my sartrean fear of the cliff is actually pretty well developed. the self sees from above and takes things with a pinch of salt.

i’ll keep you posted on the deadline issue. a whole chapter of my life is about to open up before me, and unlike the impatient reader, i can’t flip through the pages, skip to the end. i have to read every dull word, sounding out the vowels and consonants as my eyes wash over them.

it’s like zen practice, where you have to let go of your pedestrian rage in order to get in the flow. i’m still working on it.

was reading about how the thing that seperates humans from animals is the invention of linear time. i wonder how accurate this is. it’s hard to tell if the squirrel is thinking about snow coming when he stashes food or if he’s just roboting around instinctually.

one could say the same about us, i guess.